Sex, poos, and Pokemon

Summer in Wellington has been pretty stink this year…literally. We’ve had a poonami. A turdnado. Crapocalypse Now.

I freely admit chicken vindaloo has caused problems for me in the past, but in this case I’m innocent: the shit-uation at the Moa Point treatment plant wasn’t on me!

I know there have been a handful this year - maybe ten max - but the only true summer day I remember was earlier this month. Stinking hot. Late afternoon booking in a hotel near Oriental Bay. I got into town early as per usual and sat down near Waitangi Park to do some Pokemon Go admin.

There was a concert happening nearby and the smell of weed was absolutely overpowering. People were clearly having a great time, and good on ’em.

I looked up who was playing: “UB40 ft. Ali Campbell.” I knew the name UB40 and obviously Red Red Wine, but that was it. Down the rabbit hole I went: turns out there are two UB40’s operating at the same time, and a whole lotta drama along with it. Messy times, and confusing times too for non-fans such as myself.

You can skip this next bit if you like.

I’ve been on a quest to be the very best (like no one ever was) and I’ve been busting my ass to do it. Various body parts have been sore for months.

So in October last year, the Pokemon Go trainer level cap was raised from 50 to 80. I’d been sitting comfortably at 50 for a couple of years. Once I hit the top, I relaxed - there was no reason to grind anymore.

When 80 dropped and the XP curve was rebalanced, I was automatically bumped to level 70. I cruised for just over a month, then from late November I decided to speedrun to 80 over the upcoming summer.

I have pushed myself harder than ever before. Each level past 70 required additional tasks, the worst being the walking ones. The topography in my suburb is pretty unforgiving...hills are very much my arch nemesis.

The walking tasks were:

• Level 74: Explore 200km

• Level 76: Explore 300km

• Level 78: Explore 400km

From November thru mid February I “walked” 900km. I did walk a lot…but some of it was on a bike, and not on an electric one either. (Ha! I wish!)

Anyway, last night this happened:

Siri, play "End Of The Line" by Traveling Wilburys!

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Thank you for a fruitful February. A huge relief because last February was dire!

Siri, now that you've finished playing "End Of The Line", I'm gonna need you to put on "Panic" by The Smiths as I remember those dry days of February 2025!

But seriously, a surprisingly decent month this time around, so again, thank you! Aside from six familiar faces, the rest of my clients this month were new to me. This is probably the first month in a long time where I have seen more new clients than those who I've met before.

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Beep beep! Embarrassing moment incoming:

Last Friday I had a booking in a high rise serviced apartment with a three layer security system involving multiple codes.

Glass door one + code: success.

Glass door two + code: success.

Door three + code: where???

There was supposed to be another glass door with a code, wasn’t there? Or nah? I was about to

refer back to my email instructions, but then - THUD - I’d bumped into another lady. I apologised immediately and stepped back, and while doing so I noticed her jacket and thought, nice jacket.

It wasn’t a lady.

It was a mirror.

I had bumped into - and apologised to - myself.

If I’m able to defend myself, that whole fucken wall was a floor to ceiling mirror. But I can’t defend myself out of this one can I? Bugger.

I have to say, it is a nice jacket. I bought it for about $50 USD at the Guess store in the Hollywood and Highland complex back in 2010. Here's the jacket in question, shown in a random selfie I took at home before leaving for the booking.

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Site updates:

Bookings

Gallery: Reformatted display + added two new pictures, with more to come very soon

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Looking ahead to March: plenty of availability at this point in time. A few scattered days blocked out later in the month as marked on my availability calendar.

Speaking of which, someone asked recently why their booking date wasn’t marked as “booked” on the calendar.

It’s a free calendar, entries per month are very limited, so early on I decided it was easier to only mark away days and unavailable days. Also, unlike the blog, I can’t update the calendar from my phone or ipad, and I don’t have access to a computer whenever I’d like.

You can see toward the end of March there’s a few days blocked out - big changes coming for me and I’m hella nervous about it. I’ll leave that hanging for now, unless you met me this month or last and already know all about it! I feel like I need to get a few otherwise unattainable things sorted before I hang up dem hooker heels.

In early April I’ll be heading to Palmy for a few weeks of family time, and to see my feline sister Sandy who turns 17 this year. She’s appeared on my Twitter over the years…and in actual fact appears permanently on my left shin alongside her late sister, Bear! Palmy time means hanging out with Sandy, parking up somewhere scenic with Nan and slagging off wayward royals and politicians while eating ice cream, and long bike rides by the river.

I look forward to my quarterly Palmy visits. Palmy is home, and always will be, even though I haven’t lived there in over a decade.

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